Ministries

The Church of the Divine Lucre has many valuable ministries available to divest you of your divine lucre and contribute to our valuable ministers.

These ministries include, but are not limited to:

  1. Treat a Rich Guy to Dinner Program. Not gender- or race-based; you can contribute even if the rich person isn’t of pure Aryan stock. As long as they have over $999,999 net worth, they’re okay. I guess.
  2. Multi-generational mortgages for giving. Can’t afford to tithe this week? Take out a mortgage and pay us up-front. Get your kids and grandkids involved and you can be sure your investment will pay off BIG for generations to come!
  3. Wash the Pastor’s Limo Program. ‘Cause people won’t love Jesus if the Pastor has an unpolished limo. Coming soon: the Clean the Pastor’s Pools and Hot Tubs Program.
  4. HeavenlyRewards™. Earn bonus points for a better position in the afterlife. You think one hundred fold return is great on earth? A bazillionfold return in heaven is even better.

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